I have a food addiction

I believe I may have hit bottom.....again. This is such a tough journey full of ups and downs and things that pull you in many directions to distract you. For example, this week my husband is working a different shift. What do I do while he's sleeping. I eat. and eat. and eat. I'm not hungry. I'm actually to the point where I'm full, but I'm bored and no one is watching. It is an awful feeling and I'll be headed to bed in utter disgust with myself.

I need to work through this and find out why I do this. I would be embarrassed to even say what I ate today, I stopped doing my calories when it got to the point that I didn't want to see it anymore. I need to wake up tomorrow with a renewed sense of who I am and where I'm headed on this mission to a healthier me. I'm going to look at those precious faces of my babies and know that they are the reason I push on when I don't want to anymore. I want to be the mom that plays with them, not the one that watches from the sidelines.

Where have I been???

I have been hiding in true fat girl mode. Winter time brings cold days of being stuck indoors, dreary weather that brings me down and the "holidays". I found at the end of this, I had gained 10-15lbs and was utterly disappointed in myself. I know better, yet it didn't stop me. I felt tired, yet couldn't sleep. Just plain frumpy! I'm ok with this now, I have to be. This is a life-long change, and it's unrealistic to think I'll never eat or bake another cookie or cake for my children. I mean honestly, if they're going to have sweets it's better that they're homemade and not processed, right?I need to work on portion and doing things in moderation. This isn't an all or nothing change, nor should it be. I'm currently digging myself out of this hole. I wish I could say it's for the last time, but I'm still in my 20s, so I'm sure I'll slip up again in lifetime.

I do have a special friend to thank for helping me shovel out of this. She has been a rock of support and encouragement and sometimes just able to say, "Hey, I get you". She has never made me feel bad for the things I've done, but instead helped me think of better ways of doing things. For her I will forever be grateful.

This week's goal is to make the most out of everyday and to make a priority to be active in one way or another. I also want to work on reason's I love me. I know they are there, now to look for me.

then and now

As I look in the mirror, there is no denying how far I've come. I started this life changing journey at 234 lbs. That was after the birth of my 2nd child.

I now weigh-in at 169 lbs as of this morning. I'm going to make Friday a weigh-in day and share on here how I've done for the week. Last week I was in the 170s, which has taken me at least 6 months to break that plateau. This week I have focused on food as fuel theory and I've poured my heart into my workouts. It seems to be paying off! I still have a ways to go, my goal is to be between 135-140, but more than that to be happy with my body.

One set back that I have encountered this week is weak knees. I wanted to run my first 5K on July 3rd, and I'm not so sure that will be able to happen now. Last week I went for a run, I set out to do 20 mins. The first 20 were a breeze, so I decided that I'd shoot for 25mins. I looked down to realize that the time said 25:30, so I make the choice to go for 30. Now my longest run before this was 20mins and I thought I would die afterward. I felt great this time.....until about 3am. Then the pains started. They are still there now, over a week later. I've continued to spin, do pilates and kettlebell cardio because none of those cause me pain. I'm afraid to run again. Today the knees feel a ton better, so I may venture to the treadmill, but we'll see how I feel after spinning this am.

All about control..

I think that I am now understanding that it's all a control thing. You just have to decide who to let control you. Do you control yourself, and be conscious of your decisions. Do you let those around you influence your choices about your health. Do you give in to that inner fat girl who tells you it's ok to sit down with a pint of ice cream and a spoon?

I've made my decison, I'm in charge around here! I think this change of having a blog and writing down my goals is really helping. I got a late start this week with the exercise, but I'm making up for it by working harder, instead of giving up on my goal.

I ran again yesterday. I want to be a runner, but I'm just not in love. I keep telling myself that there are no fat runners, so it's in my best interest to learn to love it. It's a work in progress for sure. I'm close to completing the C25K program, it has only taken me twice as long as it's supposed to! My schedule has kept me from a few of my favorite classes, but that's changing today. I'm making it a point to get back to what I enjoy, I need it for my sanity. Today will be my first day at bootcamp in about a month, wish me luck!

Business is picking up a bit too, so I've been spending more time at my sewing machine, which isn't great for the activity level, but at least the hands are busy and can't snack. So, who's in control of you today?

and so we begin...

I'm going to work on some before/current pics to share today...

So my 2 small goals for this week are:
*No take-out for 2 weeks
*To burn 4,000 calories this week through exercise

The take-out is a hard one for me. Even though I'm a SAHM, I'm often so tired by dinner time that I lose all will-power. I've talked to the hubster about this and he's going to support me by helping cook the days I don't feel like it, or encouraging me. We went away for the day yesterday to visit family. It amazes me what people serve, and that we are all ok with that. I think almost every "salad" on the table started with a gallon of mayo, seriously! I ate mostly celery and drank water. I did eat a hot dog though, or 2, haha. I did stick with my no soda rule, as it's now been 9 weeks since I quit.


I wrote out a "tentative" meal plan for the week:
Monday- steak, grilled zucchini and corn
Tuesday- tacos (I'll have some taco meat on my salad)
Wednesday- grilled chicken salad
Thursday- turkey burgers (bunless for me)
Friday- pancakes and sausage (I'll skip the sausage)
Saturday- grilled chicken and veggies

Does anyone have any good ideas for healthy meals that I can make and freeze for days I don't want to cook?

I think I'm going to go for a "wog" when my husband wakes up since the Y is closed today. I'm also going to mow the grass for some extra calories burned today too!
Hope everyone is having a safe and fun memorial day weekend while remembering and honoring our service men and women.

Getting Started...

with a blog that is. I've been working on this losing weight thing for, well pretty much forever. I've had some successes and some that I wouldn't call that, but it's all a learning process. My reason for starting this blog is accountability. I'm hoping that by typing things out I can be honest to both myself, and readers of the blog, should I eventually get some.
I'm starting this out on a not so positive note of having a stomach bug, so my eating is a bit irregular at the moment, but I'm hoping to get back to "normal" tomorrow.
I'll be posting my workout schedule, a starting point with a menu, along with a weekly small goal. I believe the way to achieve my ultimate goal (which is a multi-step one) begins with one small goal at a time. Achievable goals at that.
Look for more short posts to come in the future until I get used to this whole blogging thing. My goal for this week (since it's already Thursday) is to have a feasible menu planned out for next week, and to work on getting this blog set up and easy to navigate!